Pat Hanahoe-Dosch
����������� One thing traveling has taught me, is that everything is
relative. Still. On this particular summer day, relativity
seemed to be [p1] taking itself too seriously.[p2]
����������� I needed a taxi to take me from my house to the local
train station in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. I�d left my car with my parents who
live near Atlantic City, New Jersey, to drive periodically and keep the battery
going while I drove around the country in a used mini-van. �I was relieved and glad to be home, sleeping
in my bed and not an air mattress in a tent or the army cot in the back of my
minivan[p3] , but part of me didn�t really want
all my adventures to en[p4] d.
Now I needed to get my car back and visit my parents for awhile. I was feeling
kind of cranky[p5] .
����������� The train was due to leave at 11:30 a.m., so at 9:00 a.m.
I called Yellow Cab of Lancaster and arranged to be picked up in front of my
house at 10:30 a.m. I
figured this would give me plenty of time to get to the station, get
my ticket, and find the right track. �A taxi will be there,� the person at
the other end of the phone said after taking my address[p6] .
�No problem.�
����������� At 10:40 a.m. there was still no taxi. I called again and
asked where my taxi was. �I�m sorry, we�re very busy,� the dispatcher said[p7] .
�Someone is on the way right now.� I waited. At 10:50 a.m., I called again. �A
taxi is on the way. The driver didn�t call you? I can�t make the distance any shorter. It
will be there soon. It�s very close[p8] .�
Finally, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., the taxi pulled up. I was visibly upset[p9] . �You were supposed to pick me up
at 10:30,� I said to her. �I�m sorry,� the driver said as she got out of the
car. She looked like she was in her early forties. She was wearing faded jeans
and a simple,[p10]
white t-shirt. Her thin arms were covered with tattoos that stood out against [p11] her
pale skin[p12] . �Dispatch didn�t tell me we had a
pick-up. I came as soon as I could get here.� She picked up my suitcase. �Let
me put this in the trunk.� She was short and thin, and it felt wrong watching
her struggle with the suitcase. �I can do that,� I said, reaching for it. �I�ve
got it,� she said. She searched for the latch on the trunk. �First I have to
figure out how to open it,� she said. It took a few minutes, while I looked
on in disbelief, for her to figure out how to open the trunk. [p13] She finally put the suitcase in it,
I got in the back of the taxi, knocking my head on the top of the door frame as
I climbed in, and we drove away.
����������� �Are you okay?� she asked. �Yes,� I said, pressing my hand
against the side of my head. It
hurt. �But I�m worried now that I�m going to be late. I called two hours ago
and made an appointment to be picked up. What happened?� That probably sounds
more polite in writing than it sounded when I said it. �Don�t worry, I promise
we�ll get to the station in time for you to get your train[p14] .
The ticket counter�s right there as you go in, so you should be able to get
your ticket quickly. It doesn�t take long to get to the station, and traffic�s
light right now.� [p15]
����������� �I hope so,� I said.
����������� �I�m really sorry for the wait,� she said. �Dispatch does
this to us all the time. They forget to write down a pick-up, and then we�re
the ones who have to deal with the angry customers. If it makes you feel better,
I�m having a bad day today, too. My husband left me this morning, and I got a
$200 ticket for speeding, this morning, on top of that.�
����������� I sat in silence for a minute. �I don�t know what to say
to that,� I said.
����������� She looked at me in the rear-view mirror for a few
seconds. �And
my son dropped my iPad and broke the
glass on the front.� She reached over to the passenger seat and picked up the [p16] iPad
to show me. The front glass was, indeed, covered with cracks and nicks in the
glass. �I told my husband not to give it to him. But of course he doesn�t
listen. That�s something else I have to thank him for.�
����������� �Do you have a warranty or insurance on it?�
����������� �No. I didn�t have the extra money for that when I bought
it. Now I�m going to have pay for another one. He�s gone and doesn�t have to deal with it now. Where are you taking the train [p17] to?�
����������� �Atlantic City.�
����������� �I love Atlantic City! I like to go and play Baccarat.
The house doesn�t have the advantage the way it does in Black Jack. Last Mothers�[p18] Day I treated myself to a hotel
room there. I stayed in the room for the whole time; it was just so wonderful
to be by myself.�
����������� �There are cheaper places to go to do that,� I said,
immediately regretting it. Tact isn�t one of my skill sets. She just looked at
me in the rearview mirror. �I had a good time,� she said.
����������� I explained that I was visiting my family and grew up on
that island.
�We locals tend to ignore Atlantic City. It�s crowded and unpleasant.� She
nodded her head. [p19]
����������� �I lived on Hawaii for awhile. We ignored the tourist
sites, too.�
����������� �Why did you leave Hawaii?� I asked, trying to be polite.
����������� �I had no choice,� she said. �I did everything I could to
not get on that plane. I even told them I had a bomb in my bag, but they
still [p20] made me get on the plane.� I
assumed she was joking. �My husband got everything after the divorce, including
our beautiful house with a pool and a fountain, our boat, everything.� I
guessed this was a different husband than[p21] the one who left her this morning.
�Here�s the train station,� she said. It was 11:10 a.m. �See, plenty of time to
catch your train! �I�m going to take off $5.00 from the cost [p22] for our screw-up,� she said,
stopping the meter. �Hope you have a good trip.� She got out of the taxi, opened the
trunk[p23] , and pulled out my suitcase.
����������� I tipped her well[p24] .
[p25]
����������� I was able [p26] to get my ticket and a cup of
coffee, then sit by the tracks for about five minutes,
waiting for the train. It was on time, there were many [p27] empty seats to choose from, and I
was on my
way to a weekend of the beach, family, while retrieving my [p28] car. Life is good.[p29]
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Great voices throughout
this piece. I love her story.
-
The driver seems really
interesting, but do you think maybe she was just crazy? Also, come back to the
idea of everything being relative at the end of this piece. That gets lost
here. Editorialize more � remember � this isn�t hard journalism! Don�t just
tell us what she was wearing/what she said � tell us what you thought of all
that.
-
Separate the dialogue into
paragraphs.
-
Maybe this would bring out
the idea that life is relative by using more contrast? Make her more pitiful?
-
OR- conclude with a
stronger sense that your bad day got better. Take some focus off of her � or
show why her circumstances didn�t make your day worse. I�m not sure what I�m
asking � maybe you were just in a terrible mood and a bizarre event leaves you
laughing hysterically on the train!
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The original mention of
crankiness is a bit distracting without further detail.
[p1]Needs to be tighter, punchier.
[p2]The personification here is kind of strange.
[p3]awkward
[p4]vivify
[p5]relevance?
[p6]The voice at the other end said, noting:
[p7]Is this a different voice?
[p8]Invert these sentences.
[p9]How do you know?
[p10]plain
[p11]�.tattoos, vivid against�
[p12]Great details of this woman.
[p13]While I watched in disbeliefe, she fumbled for several minutes.
[p14]I love her voice!
[p15]Work on the dialogue here � it�s too tidy. Sould be �slanged up�
[p16]Kid�s age?
[p17]Add some non-dialogue here.
[p18]Mother�s
[p19]Very good
[p20]unclear
[p21]from
[p22]fare
[p23]This time without fumbling.
[p24]Details, please.
[p25]WHY?? Do you feel guilty? Sorry for her?
[p26]Had time
[p27]With lots of empty seats
[p28]Awkward parallelism
[p29]Is this in contrast to the cab driver?